I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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