every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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