Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
