Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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