is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
