he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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