I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
