I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
