I hope mine doesn't look like that
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
