I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
