I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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