Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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