I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
