it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
