So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
