bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
