I want to have your abortion
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
