To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
