My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
