I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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