You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
