im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
