well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
