with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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