I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
