I am spending my child support on dildos
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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