The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
