I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
