OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I have post one night stand depression
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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