I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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