She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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