She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
