Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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