cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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