Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
