my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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