i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
