We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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