I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
