coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
