i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
