I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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