I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize