I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
