...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I'm really busy with my period
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