I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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