my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
