life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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