Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
