I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
