Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
