he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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