Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So much Jack, so little girl.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
