I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
