It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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