May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize