I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
