What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize