I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
