i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
