did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
