Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
