I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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