can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
