I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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