This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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