I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
