You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
