i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
