You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
