Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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