I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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