she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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