From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
