Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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