Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
