she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
