the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
