Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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